Written by Zach Grossfeld

LONDON, ENGLAND - Christian Bale, known for his extreme method acting and drastically altering his body for roles, has given himself HIV to prepare for the role of Magic Johnson in the upcoming biopic based on Johnson’s life, Magic City.

“After seeing the transformations that Christian has undertaken thus far in his career, we knew he’d be ready to take on the challenging role of Magic Johnson,” says Bale’s trainer Ronnie Swoleman. “For The Fighter, we put Christian on a steady diet of cocaine and tuna fish, but for this role, we knew we’d have to take it a step further. Luckily, the CDC gave us access to a mild strain of HIV that will allow Christian to access the perfect headspace to channel Johnson’s persona on screen. He’s already lost 113 pounds.”

Chet Baker, Casting Director of Magic City, has informed The Aux Chronicle that Christian Bale is not even being considered for the role.

“He’s not even black,” says Baker. “Also, Magic looks great! He’s got a strong frame and a youthful complexion. You would never guess that he has HIV. Even if Bale was black, I’m not sure why he felt the need to contract a life-threatening virus to prepare for this role. He looks like shit. We’ll probably go with Cuba Gooding Jr.”

Even after learning of Baker’s plans to go with Cuba Gooding, Bale insists that he’s the best person to play the role of Magic Johnson.

“Look at McConaughey trying to steal my thunder, thinking he one-upped me because he played some guy with AIDS in Dallas Buyer’s Club,” says Bale. “I am AIDS. While he was sitting on his ass to lose a couple of pounds for a role, I became the role.”

Bale’s clinician, Dr. Keaton Carning, revealed to our publication that Bale has been rejecting all medical treatment because “Magic wouldn’t give in.”

“That’s actually exactly what Magic did,” says Carning. “Magic Johnson has been on an intense cocktail of treatments ever since he contracted the virus, which is why his HIV has not progressed.”

When Carning informed Bale that he would die within the week without treatment, the actor whispered to himself, “We all die.”

Disclaimer: The Aux Chronicle is a real, one hundred percent factual news column that you should accept at face value. Don’t ask questions.

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