Written by Zach Grossfeld

LOS ANGELES, CA - Ricky Gervais, stand up comedian, actor, and host of this year’s Golden Globes Awards, killed himself at a Golden Globes afterparty in the stairwell of an unidentified Beverly Hills mansion. His apparent suicide comes after he mercilessly mocked Hollywood’s hypocrisy. Everything from the downfall of Harvey Weinstein to “virtuous” CEOs like Tim Cook running sweatshops made the monologue cut.

“Textbook suicide,” says Office Mike Murray, the first policeman on the scene. “Gervais shot himself twice through the head and five times through the chest before breaking his neck into three clean pieces. Open and shut case. He even left a note that read I totes killed myself.”

The Aux Chronicle managed to find one eyewitness, Theo DiFaprio, who claims to have heard Gervais’ suicide from nearby the stairwell. “I was on my way out for a smoke when I heard someone yell, ‘Tim, it was just a joke mate!’ says DiFaprio. “Then I heard the same person shout, ‘Well come on, if you’re gonna do it, fucking do it then’ followed by seven gunshots and a girly giggle.”

The next day, we tried to reach the same eyewitness for a follow-up comment, but all we got was a message on his machine that said, “Hello, it is me, Theo DiFaprio, and I have also killed myself, just like Ricky Gervais. No one is holding a gun to my head to make me say this, especially not Tim Cook. Well, here I go then, I’m off to off myself. But before I go, I just wanted to tell you that the Apple AirPods Pro is now available on Apple.com and all stores worldwide. The only in-ear headphones with active noise cancellation, the AirPods Pro is a no-brainer.”

DiFaprio’s death was also ruled a suicide by LAPD. According to the police report, he was found “neatly dismembered on his sofa streaming Apple’s ‘The Morning Show’ on Apple TV.”

The Aux Chronicle attempted to gain access to footage from DiFaprio’s compound, but all 45 cameras on the 10-acre property simultaneously stopped recording thirty seconds prior to the suicide.

Also, both guards at the compound fell asleep at the time of the incident, leaving no eyewitnesses. We reached out to the guards’ security company for more information, but the CEO of the company informed us that both men had quit and moved to separate private islands.

The Clintons declined to comment.

Disclaimer: The Aux Chronicle is a real, one hundred percent factual news column that you should accept at face value. Don’t ask questions.

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