Written by Zach Grossfeld

WUHAN, CHINA - After hearing about the outbreak of COVID-19 originating in Wuhan, Vin Diesel jumped out of a plane over the Chinese province screaming “I live for this shit!” in an attempt to battle the infection head-on.

On St. Patrick’s Day, Vin Diesel, star of the XXX and Fast & Furious franchises, executed a 15,000 foot HALO jump from a C-160 military transport aircraft. Strapped to a snowboard and armed with two AK-47s and a Corona Extra, Diesel opened fire on the ground mid-air while repeatedly yelling “I live for this shit!” and “Welcome to the Diesel Zone!” before touching down in Wuhan.

“We tried to talk him out of it,” says Dwayne Johnson, known professionally as The Rock. “No one expects him to be the real-life Xander Cage or Dominic Toretto. Vin’s not nearly as massive as me. Also, did I mention Jumanji 4 is coming to theatres in July 2029? Check the IG story of me promoting the movie while doing quad extensions. I haven’t slept in 4 years.”

The Aux Chronicle obtained access to the last contact Diesel made just hours before the jump. It was a conference call with close friends Jason Statham, The Rock, and Michael Cera. Here is the transcript:

Diesel: Guys, Wuhan needs me. Family.

Statham: What?!

Diesel: I’m gonna jump out of a plane over Wuhan to save the city and stop the virus.

The Rock: Can you tell them that Jumanji’s coming out soon? I have a huge fan base over there. Thanks brotha, good luck!

Statham: Wait, what the fuck, you don’t need to do this Vin.

Diesel: Family.

Cera: Is this Vin Diesel? How did you get my number??

Diesel: Tell them about me, Michael.

Cera: I have literally never met you before. I’m also incredibly high.

Diesel: Aren’t we all...aren’t we all *deep exhale*

Statham: Wait, don’t!!

The Rock: Share my Jumanji post!!

Cera: My Mom wants to know if you guys are coming over for dinner.

Diesel: *Click* (connection lost)

With a stray bullet, Diesel clipped leading Chinese virologist Wang Wei, sending him to the hospital with a minor flesh wound. “I was on the verge of finalizing the vaccine for COVID-19,” says Wei, “but then a bald man with goggles started shooting up the slides in the bio lab and yelling ‘Fuck this virus!’ A bullet pierced my left arm and I dropped the vials holding our most promising vaccine.”

Sam Brosious, the pilot who flew Vin Diesel over Wuhan, reached out to The Aux Chronicle. “I told him [Diesel] that the area was in lockdown but he didn’t care,” says Brosious. “He seemed to think that he was playing a character in a movie, but no one was filming.”

Diesel was last seen giving himself the sign of the cross while walking straight into the quarantine zone.

Samuel L. Jackson declined to comment on the incident.

Jackson later retracted his initial decline and asked that The Aux Chronicle report he said, “Mothafucka.”

Disclaimer: The Aux Chronicle is a real, one hundred percent factual news column that you should accept at face value. Don’t ask questions. Take every last word seriously, and make sure to tell your friends ;)

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