Written by Zach Grossfeld

Recently, millions of people have been calling for reparations for black people who are descendants of slaves and I could not be more on board.

For hundreds of years, African Americans haven't enjoyed a level playing field to build wealth and move through life as fully recognized human beings and now is the time to restore the balance in the form of reparations payments.

The reparations conversation is long overdue.

I'm glad our society is taking steps to right the wrongs of the past.

Our history, especially in America, is filled with fucked up happenings that have shaped the present-day opportunities of marginalized people.

And while we're on the topic, there's another group of people who have been marginalized in recent years who have yet to receive any form of recognition or compensation.

The group I'm talking about is pretty people.

Since the dawn of the pandemic in March 2020, pretty people have been forced to put masks over their magnificently aesthetic faces, stifling their ability to leverage their attractiveness in everyday situations.

While masks have engulfed their faces for two years, pretty people have been denied the simple pleasures of life once reserved for the attractive elite.

During the pandemic, gone were soft smiles and flirtatious banter that Starbucks baristas once reserved for only the most Hemsworthian men and Halle Berrian women. Pretty people were required to order their iced Americanos just like uglier, masked peasants in line while the baristas said plainly "Is that all?" and "Thank you" without looking up from the registers.

Pretty people all over the globe have been denied the ability to flourish on first dates despite no personality whatsoever. As a pretty person, I had to go on dozens of first dates with a mask covering my best asset. My jokes bombed. I had to actually listen for more than four minutes at a time. And when I asked these girls to come back to my place after the first date, they'd say, "I want to get to know you better first." Get to know what? I'm hot. Who doesn't want to fuck this face?! Of course, these girls never knew the beauty lying behind my cloth facial prison.

Throughout the pandemic, pretty people have also been stripped of the opportunity to land a high-paying job for which they're severely under-qualified because of masks being required for in-person interviews. How are we supposed to hide our lack of qualifications in our attractiveness and smile our way into $180k per year plus benefits when this monstrosity of a mask covers our golden ticket?

Worst of all, masks have forced pretty people to hit the gym twice as hard during the pandemic because our semi-Dad bodies could no longer ride the coattails of our gorgeous facial bone structure. For years, we as pretty people with pretty faces have been able to stay "kind of fit" and still get laid on a regular basis. With my aesthetically magnetic face, the occasional cig and weekends of cocaine were enough to keep me thin and bangable.

During the COVID years with everyone's faces covered, pretty people were forced to hit the gym to compete with all of these average-faced, ripped physical specimens. Why should pretty people have to perform a bicep curl when a bump of blow and a good facial moisturizer would normally suffice? Was the CDC thinking about the extra pain pretty people would have to endure in the gym to get laid when they imposed mask sanctions? I don't think so. The only pain they thought about was the millions of average-looking people around the globe succumbing to the virus.

On top of all of these marginalizations that pretty people have had to face, average people have been using the pandemic as an opportunity to pass as pretty people. One of the things we found out during the pandemic is that there are hundreds of millions, possibly billions of common-looking folk walking this Earth that can pass as attractive with a mask covering the bottom half of their face. Along with countless deaths, thousands of businesses closing, and the media dividing us more than ever, worst of all the pandemic has erased the line between the pretty and the peasants.

As a pretty person myself, I am asking the government to please start a reparations fund to give back what pretty people have lost since the masks were forced upon our faces in March of 2020. You might be reading this thinking, "I don't see the marginalization of pretty people in my everyday life and I've never marginalized a pretty person myself. Why should I have to pay reparations?"

That's a great question and I'm glad you asked it. The marginalization of pretty people is not obvious and it is not done by only a few. It is systemic. This means that if your heart is beating, you are reaping the benefits of pretty people's marginalization whether or not you are an active participant. The balance needs to be restored.

Even people born decades from now who never lived through the time of pretty people's traumatic discrimination should have to pay reparations because they are benefitting from a society that unfolded from this systemic divide.

I was born pretty.

I'm hot as fuck.

I didn't get to choose my silky smooth blonde mane, ice blue eyes, or flawless jawline.

They were indebted to me by God.

And because of the way our society is structured, my pretty face is my original sin.

If you're reading this and you're average or even worse, ugly, I beg you to open your unattractive eyes and look at the systemic injustices that masks have brought upon pretty people during the pandemic which will last for centuries to come.

For two years, masks robbed us pretty folk of our God-given privileges. And for the entire pandemic, you stood by and said nothing as you used the mask as an opportunity to pass as one of us.

Shame on you.

You have done wrong, but you can still be forgiven.

Call your local congressman or congresswoman and tell them that you want pretty people reparations today.

You can take off your mask and show your average face again, but you can never heal the pain that pretty people suffered while theirs was cloaked in darkness.

"The idea of reparations for pretty people has been locked in a conversation that has hardly moved beyond theory since the end of the pandemic," says Idris Elba, Head of the NAPP (National Association for Pretty People). "The members of the NAPP are committed to moving that needle with action and advocacy that points toward justice and healing the wounds of history."

Silence is violence.

Listen to Idris and speak up now.

Disclaimer: This blog uses humor and satire, and is not meant to be taken seriously in any form.

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