Written by Zach Grossfeld

Last week, the pop star singing sensation Lizzo was served with a bombshell lawsuit by three of her former dancers for allegedly subjecting them to endure fat-shaming, sexually disparaging behavior, and pressuring them to participate in denigrating sex acts.

The dancers claim that while on tour in Amsterdam with the Grammy award-winning artist, Lizzo invited them to spend a night out in the city which ended at the infamous Red Light District. This area is known for prostitution and its smattering of sex shows and sex shops open into the early hours of the morning.

The lawsuit states more specifically that Lizzo "began inviting cast members to take turns touching the nude performers, catching dildos launched from the performers’ vaginas, and eating bananas protruding from the performers’ vaginas.”

Now, Lizzo is receiving a gigantic amount of backlash and has lost over two hundred thousand followers since news of the lawsuit broke. Shows have been canceled, fans are outraged, and it's yet to be seen if the once-beloved star can carve a path to redemption.

Amidst the fury, I believe that the media has failed to hone in on the most important part of the story that could be the key to salvaging the singer's reputation: Lizzo demanding that the dancers "eat bananas protruding from the performers' vaginas."

Read that again: eating bananas protruding from the performers' vaginas.

As a washed-up college baseball pitcher, I'm more familiar with hangovers than Bill Clinton is with the inside of the late Jeffrey Epstein's plane. I worked hard and I played hard.

I wasn't going to let a couple of vodka sodas the night before a game keep me from striking out the side, so I always had a recovery plan.

One of the greatest weapons to fight the morning-after beast that is the hangover is a smoothie filled with bananas. The potassium-rich fruit loaded with magnesium was the perfect accomplice to help me rid my body of the poison that clouded my mind and muscles.

A single banana smoothie would wipe away the nausea and tiredness leaving me feeling good to perform on the mound.

That being said, I don't think Lizzo was disparaging her backup dancers by having them eat bananas lodged into strippers' vaginas. She was saving them.

If you're a top touring act like Lizzo, you need to make sure that not only you are on point, but that everyone on stage is ready to give the performance of a lifetime on a nightly basis. I believe that Lizzo saw her dancers drinking that night, having a good time, and encouraged them to eat the bananas to avoid the next day hangover, and as a result, a lackluster show.

Sure, Lizzo didn't have to make them eat it out of the performers' pussies, but hey, that's extra sodium! Why spend money on a box of Liquid IVs when you can go straight to the salty source?

Any athlete can see that the only thing Lizzo is guilty of is looking out for the well-being of her dance crew. If I was out drinking one night and my teammate fed me bananas out of his butthole to make sure I'm fresh for the game the next day, I'd be singing his praises in the post-game interview.

That interview might look something like this:

Reporter: Zach, you looked great out there tonight. What was the secret to such a good performance?

Me: Well Rick, you see, I drank 16 vodka sodas last night and I thought I was down for the count. When I woke up, my vision was blurry, my brain was pounding, and I didn't know if I could even make it to the locker room. Then, my teammate CJ took matters into his own hands. CJ ran to the grocery store, picked up a half-dozen perfectly ripe bananas, and fed them to me one by one protruding from his asshole. I started to come back to life after banana number three, and by the last one, I felt like Superman. So, I threw the peels in the garbage, wiped the shit off my face, and pitched the game of my life.

Reporter: **throwing up disgusted by what he just heard**

Me: Woah there Rick! Looks like you may need a banana to get your head straight. Should I call CJ?

Reporter: Please **throws up again ever louder** GOD no. Get away from me!

What I'm trying to say is that I stand with Lizzo.

What she did for those dancers is not just misunderstood, it's brave. She had the awareness to recognize the dehydrated state of her dancers drinking out on the town and had the guts to do something about it. There's not always going to be a grocery store around open at 2 am filled with smoothie ingredients. Sometimes, you have to take matters into your own hands, literally, and shove a banana into a stripper's pussy so that your teammate can gulp it out with her mouth.

The banana was the smoothie, the pussy was the cup, and Lizzo was the heart.

I'd dance with you anytime Lizzo because I know that when we go out drinking, you'll make sure I have the electrolytes and nutrients my body needs to recover and perform masterfully the next day. I just wish the media and her fans could see that.

#IStandWithLizzo

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