Written by Zach Grossfeld

How can you find your purpose while also attracting others into your life? What does a healthy balance between pursuing purpose and relationships (romantic and platonic) look like? Here are some observations that have helped me:

No matter who you are, certain throughlines drive happiness and peace of mind.

For myself and some of the more successful people that I’ve known, acting with purpose and having a growth mindset seems to be a source of happiness.

I’m not talking about short peaks of joy you can experience after a few drinks or a 200 Instagram likes. I’m talking about deep down, happiness to the core, rooted in action. The type of feeling where you are at peace with who you are, where you are at, and you don’t give a fuck about comparing yourself to other people’s journeys.

What do relationships have to do with growth?

To truly grow, to live with purpose, you can’t build a life around someone else. You have to go out and create experiences that you are proud of, a life that you would want to occupy first, that attracts others secondarily.

The attraction is a byproduct of living a life with purpose.

Let’s take romantic relationships. I’m a lifetime single, third wheeler. I’ve been in a couple of semi-serious relationships but nothing long-term. The third wheel perspective has allowed me to observe what makes a healthy relationship, and what makes a toxic relationship.

From what I’ve seen, here are some of the defining characteristics of healthy relationships:

Both partners don’t define themselves by the relationship
They each have a purpose in their lives that does not change even if their partner does.
They do things with intent, make clear decisions, and don’t excessively check in with their partners.
Both partners realize that love is a choice - the honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever, chemicals fade. Real love is defined by the small actions you. Consistency in small things creates the strongest love.

Characteristics of unhealthy relationships:

One or both partners define themselves by the relationship - if something is off-balance in the relationship, then they’re whole life becomes out of whack.
One or both partners don’t have a clear purpose and are using the relationship to fill that void.
They don’t make clear decisions and are constantly checking and worrying about the current state of the relationship - This is a big one - For whatever reason, the couple’s I’ve seen that are constantly checking in, texting when they’re out with friends, and never get away from each other break up more often than not - space is necessary.
Lastly, both partners believe love is this everlasting bond that will always be present regardless of their actions. Love is not a choice to them; it is only a feeling.

In no way am I the expert on relationships, but I have observed to dozens of them, both healthy and toxic. The ones that seem to work out are the ones where both partners build lives for each other separately and have individual purposes that do not rely on the relationship.

If you’re single like me, this is excellent news.