Written by Zach Grossfeld

A few weeks ago, one of my fellow toastmasters gave a speech on why we should stop saying sorry.

After hearing the speech, excellent by the way, I thought about the times in my life where I unnecessarily offered an apology.

What makes us feel like we should say “sorry” when we have nothing to feel sorry for?

If not “sorry,” then what? Here are a few times I said the s-word when it wasn’t called for:

It Makes You Seem Weak

The gym is a whirlwind of unwarranted apologies. Next time you’re in the gym, listen:

Sorry, are you on that machine?

Sorry, I have maybe three sets left on the bench.

Sorry to bother you, bro, but can I grab the 25?

My bad dude, yeah, you can work in with me.

In the gym, I’m also guilty of saying sorry unnecessarily. Carrying heavy dumbbells, I’ve said "sorry" for walking past people to put the weights back.

Why am I sorry?

I’m the one carrying the heavy load; they can wait for a second. I would extend the same courtesy to someone else and not expect an apology in return.

For me, 99% of the time I say “sorry,” I’m not actually sorry.

Verbalizing an unwarranted apology is a manifestation of internal weakness.

I have no reason to apologize for taking up a reasonable amount of space, asking a question, or poking someone on the shoulder to slide by, but I feel an urge to enter an apologetic state when I do these things.

A voice tells me that I’m wasting the other person’s time, wronging them, or making their life worse in some small way.

I’m not.

In most situations, I am merely asking for space or asking a question. Neither of those things warrants an apology or serves as a detriment to another human being.

Also, when other people apologize to me for no reason, I automatically assume that they feel inferior to me in some way.

Why are they saying sorry for nothing? Are they afraid of asking me for some space?

Of course, I can move out of your way, and I don’t need an apology to do so.

At first, not saying sorry may feel weird, but it doesn’t feel weird to the people with whom you are speaking.

It’s normal.

No one’s going to attack you or say, “Hey man, how about an apology before you ask me for the dumbbells?”

If they do, they’re an asshole, and you should feel sorry for them, not for yourself.

What Should I Say Instead Of “Sorry?”

To stay with the gym example, recently, a guy asked me how many sets I had left with a set of dumbbells. I responded, “Four sets, and you are welcome to work in with me if you’d like.”

Earlier in my life, I may have said something like, “I have four sets left, sorry,” or lied and said, “I’m done, all yours.” (I’ve done this before, and I felt like an absolute pussy).

Instead of sorry, you could say...nothing. Say what you intended to say, only without the word “sorry.” Instead of, “Sorry, are you on that machine,” a simple “Are you on that machine?” will suffice.

To walk past someone or to get through their space, say “excuse me” or “pardon.” When you’re squeezing through an aisle at a movie theatre, better to whisper “excuse me” twelve times than unload a string of sorries.

Both may be annoying to other movie-goers, but you’ll feel better about the former.